It may not feel like it at the moment but it is possible to move on from any relationship once you bring yourself to a point where you truly want and are determined to accomplish this. Arriving at the decision and in fact the state of mind where you are ready to move on can be a lengthy process but once achieved it will be your take off point into emotional freedom.
Digging Deep – Questions to Ask Yourself
A good starting point is to figure out just what it is that makes this particular relationship so coveted. Is it just one of many in the history of a person that always clung to a certain type of people and situations? Do you wonder if you may be a relationship addict? What is it that you feel you were getting from this person or the general type of a person you see them as that you don't think you can get in other ways? Why is getting this important to you?
Do you believe they or anyone else need to be included into your life in order to extract something – a feeling, a way of being or behaving – you could not come upon by yourself? If so, what is this missing ingredient or ingredients? Does the idea of escaping personal “realities” seem particularly familiar or appealing? Write down or otherwise record your answers so you can come back to them later – you may surprise yourself with what else comes to mind and the further questions and realizations they inspire each time you do.
Bookmarking a State of Being
Sometimes what people in relationships are attempting to do is gain and keep access to what seems as an entirely different and more enticing world they believe can only be glimpsed through the person they are with. In a way they're using this person as an accessing point to a new and more interesting universe – a new way of being and looking at things.
In such cases it's important to examine the truth of one's beliefs by considering that these mental states and feelings have been produced in one's own mind rather than planted there by the person or anything else outside oneself. People may be introduced to new ideas and attitudes by others but these are not automatically removed with the person who introduced them once the connection has been severed.
They can survive the relationship if this is what you want and you do not need anyone else serving as a proxy in your hyperlink to them. It there seems to be a barrier it's probably an emotional one – accessing them may currently seem too painful because of the associations they carry or you may simply get distracted by memories of the past every time you reach for them.
You can persist and push trough or figure out a way of approaching them from a different angle, based on the answers you've given to the questions above. For example, if one of the things you loved about the person is the air of “freedom” they carried it may be that you don't feel free in some way and being around them seemed to give you access to that feeling without doing the actual work. The issue of course is still there and right now is probably the best time to finally tackle it.
A Personal Cheerleader and a Confidence Prosthesis
It could of course be as simple and commonplace as keeping the person around, consciously or subconsciously as a consistent and reliable confidence booster. Here is a person that thinks you are whatever you'd like to be and hope you are or can be but are not personally assured of. The best part is they tell you this frequently, with words, actions or both and when they are around you finally feel like you believe it.
If they're not around it may start to seem like they're now taking their words back and no longer have the faith in you or admiration that you may have thought they alone have had. The ebb and flow of their attention and presence may then directly relate to the ebb and flow of your confidence and measure of self-worth at any given time.
You may also believe that being in a relationship gives you more value as a person and that being on your own speaks to others that there's something off about you - that you are less than desirable in some way. If this is the case you will always feel the pressure to couple up and settle for whoever is around. Every resulting break up will leave you with insecurities exposed and in a mad dash to cover yourself up with someone else – leading to a life of unhappiness and bad relationships.
The way around this is to build your confidence more directly, first getting to know yourself better and exploring personal talents and strong points. Once you have a solid idea and belief in all the things that are “right” with you is a good time to explore ways in which you can further improve. The latter however should never deteriorate into now “tearing yourself down” or a never-ending guilt trip and if it seems difficult to do it objectively you may ask for help from a trusted friend or a therapist.
Habituation
Sometimes the biggest issue may be that the relationship has become a firmly ingrained habit that gives structure to one's daily life. People can become strongly attached to having predictability in their lives, manifested through certain routine behavior. With relationships these types of daily behaviors tend to center around interactions with their significant other – they become the foundation that holds the daily activity structure up day in and day out.
Having the other now removed from one's life is comparable to pulling the base up from underneath the structure and watching the walls crumble down. One can become overwhelmed with what it'll take to get them back up again. The focus becomes on getting the same foundation back in it's place or founding one that seems to closely match it as soon as possible.
The focus should rather be on building that foundation on more sturdy ground and reliable basses or even considering that such structures may not even be needed and that greater flexibility as well as the ability to let go of things that no longer serve us will ultimately bring a lot more happiness and peace.
Looking Into the Past to Find Hope for the Future
Chances are you've been heart-broken a few times before and back then, just like now, it didn't seem like you'll ever be over it – and now you are. At the time it may have seemed unimaginable that the day will ever come when you'll stop grieving and wanting the relationship back – but it has.
This is all the proof you'll need to start with. Reflect on how it is that you've managed to move on in the past. If it was by jumping into another relationship, consider the points discussed above very carefully and see if you can recognize yourself in any of them – these are not the mistakes you want to keep on repeating.
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